Thursday, August 17, 2006

Top Ten Signs the Daily Telegraph is in Trouble

10. Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians
9. Simon Heffer appointed Fashion Editor
8. Latest leader column begins "Well, I mean like..."
7. Alice Thomson & Rachel Sylvester in newsroom catfight
6. Kelvin MacKenzie appointed Chief Headline Writer
5. Tabloid edition plans aborted as average reader age reaches 79
4. Obituary includes list of people they wish were dead
3. Jonathan Isaby spotted in Celia Walden's lycra shorts
2. Pages 2 through 20 are corrections of previous edition
1. W F Deedes is appointed the new editor
With apologies to David Letterman

29 comments:

Paul Burgin said...

Hmm!

10. Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians
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Agreed
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9. Simon Heffer appointed Fashion Editor
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That would be amusing. I imagine he would champion fashions that were in style during the reign of Edward VII
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8. Latest leader column begins "Well, I mean like..."
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True. There are standards to maintain
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7. Alice Thomson & Rachel Sylvester in newsroom catfight
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That would be entertaining. I can see it now, hacks placing bets a la "Drop the Dead Donkey"
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6. Kelvin MacKenzie appointed Chief Headline Writer
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Horrifying thought! (shudder)
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5. Tabloid edition plans aborted as average reader age reaches 79
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Just what is there avergae age now?
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4. Obituary includes list of people they wish were dead
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You could say that about most papers. The Daily Mail's list would probably be like casualty figures during a battle
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3. Jonathan Isaby spotted in Celia Walden's lycra shorts
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Interesting, but who is Jonathan Isaby? And I am not being ironic
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2. Pages 2 through 20 are corrections of previous edition
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Come on Iain, that's the preserve of those of us on the left and we do fairly well! ;)
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1. W F Deedes is appointed the new editor
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Actually I quite like the old Deedester. Anyone who started his journalistic career covering Mussolini's invasion of Abyssinia and is still a journalist of sorts today can't be all that bad! :)

Verity said...

Barbara Amiel and Mark Steyn are escorted off the premises by security guards in riot gear, with machine guns.

Large gin and french said...

Aren't there so many other people to attack before we start slagging off the Telegraph? At least it is intelligent and unequivocally on the side of liberty.

Who cares if they disagree about the odd detail? Can't we at least recognise who is on our side and who is not? A bit of Blairite triangulation is perhaps called for.

What else do we have to fall back on? The Mail?

Anonymous said...

With old age comes wisdom...so I have succumbed to taking the Telegraph at least a couple of times a week. The right-wing bias I can tolerate, it's some of the readers letters that wind me up.

But as one of the few papers that will relay stories of the dog that walked home 20 miles when a farmer forgot to put it in the land rover as well as having Boris Johnson is something I have a soft spot for.

Peter Hitchens said...

1, why twins tend to be odd by D . Barclay
2, Boris johnson mud wrestling correspondent
3, Max Hastings "why oh why cant I have my old job back?"
4, Sam leith Im related to that cook
5, sarah sands "why oh why cant I have my old job back"
6 charles moore see 3&5
7, dominic lawson im related to that cook

Verity said...

No, Charles Moore is writing some important book ... can't remember what at the moment, but perhaps something to do with Maggie. I don't think he wants to go back to The Telegraph. He has enough pieces in it, anyway.

I think Sam Leith and Nigel Farndale are funny. As is Terry Wogan in an off centre kind of way. I can live without Boris.

gradgrind said...

While all the rest of the press were playing leapfrog with the same old Prescott the Cowboy stories, Alice Thomson on 12 July http://tinyurl.com/p66bj in the Telegraph finally wrote the only article of any real significance on the matter.

In recent weeks The Telegraph seems to me to have been the only independent and thoughtful voice among the rabble of the common rags.

Adrian Yalland said...

"Who is Jonathan Isaby?"

JI is a rather interesting young man who works on the Spy column from time to time, and is a political hack with parliamentary aspirations. He is ex BBC, and very old-school Tory. He is a very jovial chap and always excellent company. He is however, incredably fat - hence the lycra shorts joke! Fortunately, he is also quite self depricating and won't mind me mentioning that his girth is only exceeded by his potential! PS I am hardly slim myself - so I hope people won't think I am rude!

Adrian Yalland said...

I have thought of a few more!

1. DT decides to start publishing in Berliner format
2. Rachael Sylvester splits up from her Guardian employed boyfriend and moves in with Jonathan Isaby
3. Iain Dale becomes Editor at Large in order to bring new raders to the DT
4. The DT employs the the entire Royal Correspondent team from the News of the World
The DT starts printing in black and white as a protest against modernity
5. It publishes Maggy Thatchers obit in error, and campaigns for a state funeral
and finally......
they give me a job as a staff reporter!

Michael Oakeshott said...

I think the fact that the Tory Party feels the need to attack the most right wing newspaper in the country speaks volumes. Are Dave and his plastic army planning to join up with the Grundien?

Iain Dale said...

michawel Oakeshott, you really are becoming a pub bore. Do you really not have a sense of humour? Sometimes i really do despair.

Graeme Archer said...

You'll know it's in trouble when ...

Sam Leith writes a column without mentioning Dead Pets.
Alice Thomson writes a column without using the phrase "What Young Mums want ... "
News Item: Prehistoric mammoth to be regenerated using DNA fragments and a willing elephantine receptacle. Simon Heffer leaves the country.

tottygraph reader said...

"Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians"

Kenneth Williams once explained a dialogue with a local bag lady - he had mentioned that a new restaurant was to be opened up locally. "I know," she said, "run by lesbians. It's a disgrace." "It's Lebanese, madam," he replied. "Yes," she replied, "they're everywhere, aren't they?"

In any case, Where are all the fit A-Level graduates jumping for joy in skimpy tops in in today's edition?

Johnny Norfolk said...

The Telegraph is going down hill.
Max Hastings was the last editor to realy do anything at the DT.

Its front page headlines tend to be more like the Guardians, still it is going wet just like the Tory leadership.

Anonymous said...

Adrian

Rachel Sylvester is married to her "Guardian employed boyfriend" as you call him.

Cicero said...

Top Ten signs of a recovery in the Telegraph.

10. Alice Thomson does "Twins- only their mother knows which one is evil"

9. W. F. Deedes "Recalling old neighbours- the delightful woolly mamouths"

8. Simon Heffer leaves the country

7. Even more salacious court cases

6. Even more pictures of Liz Hurley

5. Hitler Hastings recalled in triumph

4. Feudalism reimposed on Sark, The Seigneur imprisons the rebels

3. Average age of readers falls to 79

2. Obituary List includes people they wish were dead- Simon Heffer goes missing

1. Lesbians win

Ted said...

Best thing about the Telegraph at present remains the phrase "Simon Heffer is away" - the disaaperance of that life affirming phrase is the first sign it continues on its path to becoming the voice of UKIP.
The sign I dread is Matt signing on with the Indy or Gruniad......

Michael Oakeshott said...

Yeh I usually wait for something to be funny to laugh Iain. And you response doesn't really answer the point does it?. Are you under orders from Dave to slag off the Telegraph. He has good deal if you are, for Judus needed 30 pieces of silver, and you did it for a place on the silly A-List with the silly Adam Rickett. Well done indeed.

Iain Dale said...

Michael, if you don't like what I write you have a wide range of other blogs to go to. And if you really think I am "under orders" from David Cameron or anyone else you really are more deluded than most people here already think you are. Thank you and goodbye.

Michael Oakeshott said...

Actually you are right Iain, I have had enough of the type of rubbish the likes of you and the fool Cameron dish up. Enough is enough. I will not visit here anymore, and I will end my membership of the party. If we are going to have a new version of the Lib Dems then I don't see the point in being a part of this rubbish.

Peter Hitchens said...

Michael Oakeshott said...
Actually you are right Iain, I have had enough of the type of rubbish the likes of you and the fool Cameron dish up. Enough is enough. I will not visit here anymore, and I will end my membership of the party


oooo get her! somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed today didnt she ?

Anonymous said...

Good riddance to Michael Oakeshott. He is the sort of pompous ass that puts people off voting Conservative. Unfortunately there are many more like him, as a look at the letters page of the Telegraph shows almost daily. If only Simon Heffer could be persuaded to stay away as well...

Geoff said...

Michael Oakeshott said:
...I will not visit here anymore...


Make sure you claim your full refund at the door.

Lagwolf said...

That line about Izaby is a bit mean to your readers who know him. Jonathan in lycra...eek.

On serious note I don't find the DT to be getting that bad. Of course, I generally only read their opinion section.

Rick said...

We haven't decided whether to go tabloid so we focused on content rather than form - we'll be the last broadsheet with tabloid content

EdR said...

My top ten:

10. Simon Heffer
9. Simon Heffer
8. Simon Heffer
7. Simon Heffer
6. Simon Heffer
5. Simon Heffer
4. Simon Heffer
3. Simon Heffer
2. Simon Heffer
1. Simon Heffer

garypowell said...

Michael oakshott
I am sorry you feel that way, I do hope you change your mind. Perhaps you always were voting for the wrong party?

In my opinion the Tory party never was what you or Peter Hitchins thinks it should be now.

The Conservative party thank god has in my lifetime always been a libertarian party at heart. Not the reactionary so called "right wing" party the BBC the MSM and rest of the authoritarian left has spent the last 40 years saying it is.

Thatcher and Tebbit were just practical libertarians, not the "baby eating fascists" the media made them out to be. Surely after 10 years of Labour this is self apparent.

So as far as I am concerned the Tory party has not changed at all. However only when DC gets into government will I or anyone else be sure.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the departure of Mr Oakeshott could prove a catalyst for reasons why Iain Dale's Diary pips Order-Order. Oakeshott still bores people on that

Jonathan M Scott said...

Probably the reason that Jonathan Isaby made it into the "Top Ten signs" is because he is a very fine journalist, and is responsible for all the political scoops in the Spy column. I read the Spy column daily and it really is first-rate journalism.

I have to say, though, that I understand that Mr Isaby is a graduate of York University and I can assure you that York grads do *not* wear Lycra! What next, old Etonians waxing their chest? Honestly. :-)